Everyone loves the idea of holidays, surrounded by warmth, love and family togetherness. For most people, however, the reality looks a little – or a lot – different! And when in-laws are thrown into the mix it can truly turn into a source of tension, frustration, and disappointment.
I know many of you have complicated holidays – with family spread all over the country, with demanding in-laws, with divorce or serious dysfunction. Please know that no one has ‘perfect’ holidays, and that the key for your family may be setting boundaries and being careful about time spent with some family members. But don’t shortchange your husband’s family simply because they’re not yours, or fail to establish your own traditions.
-Recognize that you and your husband have different holiday expectations and experiences. Different is NOT bad – it’s just different. It’s very easy to cling to our family of origin’s way of celebrating various holidays as the ‘right’ way to celebrate. Holidays are prime times to compromise – you’re not going to create a holiday experience exactly like you had as a child. Instead, you need to work together to create holidays that honor both of your families of origin, and create traditions for your own family.
Talk – and talk some more – as much in advance as possible. Talk to your spouse about what is most important to him in celebrating various holidays. Talk to your in-laws about what means most to them. Think and pray about what is important for you. It’s very easy to hold onto every childhood holiday memory and tradition as sacred, but that’s neither real nor reasonable.
Be flexible – and as much as possible, encourage all parties involved to be flexible. This may mean alternating years visiting family, or deciding to alternate for Thanksgiving, but staying home for Christmas. It does involve sacrifice – you can not be everywhere at the same time, even if everyone is in the same town. Live in the moment and enjoy the holidays where you are, with the people there.
Be sure to build traditions of your own! This is so important! Your families of origin will not be there forever, or may change a lot. Please don’t connect all your traditions and events to them. Traditions can be added to or changed as the years go by and your children and the family grows and changes.
My husband and I were fortunate (at least, most of the time it felt that way) that both our families were in the Boulder area the first 9-10 years of our marriage. We were also fortunate that my husband’s family, with Scandinavian traditions, always celebrated on Christmas Eve, and that my family always celebrated on Christmas Day. However, once we added our own family traditions, and time together for the 5 of us to have breakfast and open gifts, we felt like we were running the 24-hour Christmas marathon!
Over the years we’ve continued to celebrate Christmas Eve with my husband’s family. I used to be quite resentful of this time – it precluded us going to Christmas Eve services, and it had some elements that I didn’t appreciate – like dressing up, and wrapping ALL stocking stuffers. However, as the years have gone by – and the kids have gotten older – we’ve added in attending the Christmas Eve service, and everyone (from 3 different religious denominations) enjoys it. I now treasure the traditions of my husband’s family, and am so grateful that we made this celebration a priority, especially in my mother-in-law’s final years.
My side of the family has become very flexible about celebrating Christmas – the key is to be together, whether it’s a few days before Dec. 25th, or in early January. We have a meal, presents, and just enjoy time together, with the wide range of ages on this side of the family.
Our own family Christmas traditions include doing something for a family in need, and having mini cinnamon rolls made with crescent roll dough as a highlight of our Christmas morning breakfast. Depending on the celebration time for my side of the family, we often go to a special friend’s home on Christmas Day night and play games – a fun tradition! Friends can be the family you choose, so consider including them in your plans!
Whatever your holidays look like, I pray they are filled with true thanksgiving, joy and peace! Be flexible, enjoy the moments, and let go of some unreal expectations. Start a simple new family tradition for your family this year. And remember – January is coming!
Lisa Gaskins
